Trauma: "I don’t remember."
How to proceed when you know it's there but you can't remember
HOW CAN I BE TRAUMATISED over something I DONT REMEMBER?!
Coz I do. People ask me and I struggle to explain to them exactly what I’m traumatized over. But I don’t remember anything that’s happened in the events of my pain, so then I sit and overthink to myself and wonder why am I so traumatized over something, then I hate myself even more because it feels like I don’t care enough as I can’t even remember it.
It is not that you do not remember. It is that you repressed the memory.
If you remember Christine Blasey Ford, in 2018, testifying before the U.S. Supreme Court about being raped by then-nominee (now judge—fuck!) Brett Kavanaugh. Following is my expression of the information she shared:
The brain has the ability to split experiences into slices of “data” that, at the time we can handle: images, smells, information. The brain can even file those splits of data in different parts of itself..
Your brain did this when you were being abused because it was saving your life. The brain only does this when the trauma is too overwhelming.
When I was in your position, my therapist (who wrote the book, below—fantastic book!) encouraged me not to spend so much energy trying to squeeze out every memory as if I were a tube of toothpaste. She said, “It happened. You know that.”
With her support, it became the most effective use of my time to work on fostering tools that helped me in getting past the compulsive and addictive behaviors resulting from the abuse.
First, my heart goes out to you and all those who have suffered from forms of abuse. I've had similar experiences while writing my memoir, and that's exactly how I own up to my lack of memory. Thank you, Alle, for this post.
Thank you. All information about trauma and recovery is important and helps myself and others. Bravo!